Into the Ashes - Am I Good Enough?

I don't know about you, but some days, I just feel empty. Now don't get me wrong, I have way too much to say that I feel the kind of empty that involves a purposeless and hopeless life. I have an Almighty God that loves me, a beautiful family that gives me a belonging, friends that make me laugh so hard I get a little mini-six-pack every time I'm around them, and I have a wonderful and fantastic boyfriend that looks me in the eye day after day, and tells me "You're beautiful". I guess you could say I have the life many envy. I know that I am blessed, loved and cherished. But I also know that there is a difference between knowing something and living it out. 

I don't feel like I'm doing anything important, saying something worth remembering, giving anything of worth - I don't feel like I'm good enough. I suppose many Christians, adults and teenagers alike, have a similar feeling about their work. And like all of your jobs, mine is complicated. As a missionary kid, senior in high school, Bible Study leader and a loud-mouth dreamer, I fear my life is under constant observation. Sometimes it's overwhelming how impenetrable the wall of eyes are. When will I fail? When will I break?

But it seems as though I am blaming others, but I mean something else entirely. I have also created a wall around myself, one that stands guard over my hopes, dreams, doubts and fears. On the inside I don't want to give it all up, I don't want to risk losing something (or someone) I love. In fact, the feeling very well destroys me. 

Am I hiding behind a mask? 

Am I just pretending? 

If there was no faking, would I be good enough? 

I leave most everything I do and slump, my mind is racing and yet I feel everything but accomplished and fulfilled. Eventually, the feelings of inadequacy and ineptitude begin to gnaw away at my heart. It is as though I never tried anything worth doing. Risk anything worth giving. Sacrifice anything worth life-changing.  I suppose that is why I have distanced myself so completely from the life I began my senior year living. I am caught up in my own life, my own dreams and aspirations, I am too preoccupied (and to be honest, too exhausted) to make a difference in the land God has called me to. I will be leaving soon, my family and my friends will soon be far enough away Facebook will make me homesick. I don't have time to be this self-centered. I don't have time to "get back to it later". 

My time - our time - is now. 

Emptiness kills, vanity destroys and love penetrates deep enough to confuse us completely. Enjoy the life you have been given, but no one ever said that this is all you can be. Break down that wall you have built around your treasures and let God be your treasure, let God be your stronghold and the rest will simply come. 

I'm no genius, I'm not a music prodigy, Bible scholar or cover-girl Barbie doll. Heck, I haven't even graduated from high school. I am no one special. 

But that's where God comes in. He makes me special enough to love.  

From, 

-M

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10